My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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