I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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