im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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