I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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