Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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