Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
