The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
