Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
