so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
