we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
