It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
