I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
