Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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