Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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