don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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