I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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