I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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