Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
