Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize