just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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