Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize