my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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