As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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