i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
