I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
