my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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