my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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