My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
