i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
