i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
