I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She told me I should be a condom model.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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