I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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