Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
