dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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