I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
