I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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