I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
