Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
