You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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