you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
