I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
