is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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