Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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