I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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