you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
