I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
