actually, I'm a sock model
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
