I'm pants shitting drunk right now
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
