Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
