Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
