I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
this beer tastes like vomit already
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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