You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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