The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
