I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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