Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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