It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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