I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize